Drink...

I'm so glad that i'm walking on a new road now. I feel like i've turned a corner, or maybe just made a choice and turned down a fork in the road. Even though it's still the same, the circumstances surrounding me haven't changed much - i still get angry, frustrated, hurt etc - but it's also different because maybe my mindset's changed.
I feel now like i've really pledged my life to God in that He is the first one i'd naturally turn to now. Before, i'd still turn to church friends for comfort and reassurance and it's only lately that i've forced myself to stop asking my close friends whether they loved me. Because it's not that it doesn't matter, but the fact that i have to struggle not to ask shows that i need to build my confidence and identity on Him. It was hard at first having to lean on God but when i let myself go, i feel that life is so much easier.

Worry about nothing.
Pray about everything.
Thank God for all things.

There're so many things coming up! Haha.. and there're so many open doors for me to tutor kids man.. already i have one kid and one GROUP of J1s ( J1s!!!!! I have to go back to revise again 0.0!! ) and possibly another group of sec sch students. :] But Praise the Lord that instead of the usual stress and worry and self-doubt that'd plague me, i can just relax because i prayed abt it and i know that it's God's plan for me. So i don't even have to consider how i'm feeling (because my flesh will always be lazy, procrastinating, stubborn, insecure etc.) because it's what God wants me to do, so i'll just do it ;] Yay.. life is so much easier this way..
Haha.. during worship in cellgroup this week, God reminded me of a very funny thing:
God: Jeannette, remember what Pastor Kong always likes to say? About how you can bring a horse to the river but you can't get it to drink?
Me: Uh huh?
God: You're that horse!

Haha.. Yeah.. i realised that even though when i'm overwhelmed emotionally, i will go to God and cry. But after crying, i don't feel like anything's changed. And God was just telling me that i've come into His presence, but i'm not partaking of His divine grace and love, that's why i'll feel frustrated at the lack of breakthrough, at how much i have to struggle with on my own strength. But the truth is it's always there for me to take and i realised that in this 4 to 5 years in church, the times when i really drink from Him can be counted on one hand. Haha.. and those were moments when i really really came to the end of myself. Quite a miracle that i'm still here at the end of the day, and even though i can, i'm seriously quite tired of doing things by my own strength!

I want permanent breakage! :]