Step one...Aza Aza! Fighting!

These past few weeks have been totally O.O for me :] Lots of big things and changes, and i think the most amazing thing is that i'm still standing, emotionally-wise which is my weakness, i skipped the roller coaster ride this time round. So much has happened for me spiritually in my life since Pst Ulf's service last year, around december, one of the last services before leaving for Canada for a month!
Remembered that during the week before the service, God had been speaking to me about my life, and during the praise and worship before the preaching itself, there was only one word that came to my mind as we sang and i looked at the congregation around me - Acceleration. And Pst Ulf prophesied exactly that, that we were going to accelerate. It just hit me as i was scribbling down notes, and i was shocked because the way that God speaks to me through impressions was so natural compared to the first time when i was a baby christian and was trying so hard to hear from Him during praise and worship that i'd often get headaches..lol.. :] But it really stuck with me, that anticipation that something big was going to happen in 2007.
During the trip to Canada, i really found the rest that i needed. It wasn't a HUGE encounter with God or whatever, just the usual struggle with relationships with imperfect people, with my own self-esteem etc. Quiet time was done in the toilet at 12 to 1 am in the morning after everyone slept.. It was really quiet..lol..for me in my emotions, because of so much time to just sit and think, rest, be quiet and still. It's true that God's glory is in His creation, because when one looks out at the snow and mountains, there's the presence of God, just like with the sea i suppose. It was really a great time for me and it's only when i got back did i realise that there's been a change in me. I no longer want to feel angry anymore (not that i did before..lol) just that there's an awareness and weariness at getting my emotions stirred up (not by God) unnecessarily.
Getting caught up with the pace of life in Singapore naturally brought about difficulties with quiet time and everything, but it was then that i really got the revelation to just stop with the guilt trips. "i didn't pray yesterday", "oh no, i forgot to read the bible yesterday".. it's always going in a circle, and as long as we're human, we'll struggle with our flesh forever. Just the revelation that Christian life is really worse than those of unbelievers really helped me in my expectation management. It's not just about doing what you want, just like the Israelites in the desert, after leaving Egypt, they had bitter water, lack of food, extreme heat, 40 years of 'futile' wandering. True, they had miracles, but they were still in the wilderness. What makes it worth while is the pillar of fire and cloud that stayed during those 40 years, 24/7, but in our walk, there'll come many many times when we, like the Israelites, question whether it's worth it. Only Moses could understand the worth of staying in God's presence.
I'm not on the top of a mountain right now, maybe on the foot of one, on the way up, but definately in a valley. But it has come to a point where, valleys are expected. Despite us always saying "yes, we know that Christian life isn't a bed of roses" (just like how we react with an impatient mental "I KNOW~" when Pastor says: "Jesus loves you"), it's a different matter from knowing it truly, from your soul. The only way to gauge your revelation of that is how you react when you meet a valley. It's something that all christians have to learn to get out of, the expectation that life will not be unfair and cruel. It's not the second coming nor the new earth yet. God is in the valleys, He is always found in the darkness (contrary to what most ppl think, lol), Jesus is the Lily of the Valley.. If God is always always found in the valleys, then i can just walk calmly through it with Him by my side as He tells me things about who i really am, who i can be, what i can become.
Today's service was awesome :] For me, it was a green light from God and also an offer from Him, am i going to make a decision to lay down my life for God's destiny for me? When He asked me that during worship, i immediately flashbacked to my whole 4 years in CHC. The up times were only 3 times and added together, was probably one month. The rest was spent in the valleys taking emotional roller coasters (with God by my side of course :] ). Times of questioning my self-worth and self-image, when you are faced with your weaknesses on one hand, and people needing you to pour out whatever you have into their lives, it wasn't easy because it's really going against your human nature and your flesh to not be self-centred. I remember the times of rebellion, "why should i do this?", "why can't i just let go?". I remember the painful times of hanging on, when you have to serve and continue to praise Him in church when at home, i cannot bring myself up to even open my mouth to worship Him because all i felt was heaviness and numbness.
Am i going to commit to God's calling for my life? He already made it clear that i haven't arrived, this is just the first step to starting the journey officially and all those flashbacks were just a reminder of what lies ahead. Like Pst Tan said, we are all called to leadership. Leadership means answering the call of a depressed member at 4 am and rushing down to be there. Leadership means being alone at your level, surrounded mostly by people who haven't been there, but who you have to bring up to where you are. Leadership means laying down your life for people who may not understand your actions nor appreciate them. Leadership is doing exactly what Jesus did for us on the cross, carrying the burden alone and laying down your life for even strangers. But one thing we have is God, that pillar of cloud and fire in the desert without whom i'm not willing to cross into the promised land.
I remember what Sheila said during that long talk we had recently, the bridges have already been burnt off long ago. There's no question about turning back, not when you've been in God's presence, living life without God after knowing Him is even worse. But just like in The Lord of The Ring, we'll start on an adventure that may not feel exciting when we're in the midst of it, but will fill up that hole inside you that can only be filled by fulfilling your destiny in God. There's always a choice, even when the bridges have been burnt, you can still choose to move or stay where you are, you just have to accept the fact that moving on with God is the wisest thing that you can ever do.
Thank You God for speaking to me and using me, even when i'm in the valley, placing me amongst such great people of destiny who are your friends, placing me under the discipleship of worldshakers like Chuting, Bobby, Simon, Jocelin and Pst YK. It's not who i am, because i sort of know who i am now, but because of Your love and Your belief that i can be someone who can impact my generation. There'll still be times of doubt and fear at every level, but i choose to trust in Your heart, not Your actions or Your presence, that even if i can't feel You, You are still watching carefully over me, just like You have done from the beginning. I pray that i'll know You more and that my love for You will grow even deeper by the day. Bless the works of my hands and the words from my mouth that i'll give life wherever i go by Your grace. I want lay down my life for people and not be self-centred anymore. Thank You for Your grace and mercy and i'm looking forward to this new journey. In Jesus' Name i pray, Amen.