Revelation in the bathroom:
I was just thinking about the kingdom of opposites that I've read so often in Enid Blyton stories and I realise that it exists. Everything works the opposite way in the Kingdom of God, everything defies what's possible, rational, reasonable, true and sane in our minds.

The way up is the way down...
Simplicity is found in maturity, not complexity...
Leadership is not about pushing but about serving...
Learning to have joy and not sadness when going through stuff is what will give you the breakthrough...
Stretching to your very most as compared to sleeping in on a nice rainy day is what will excite you if your focus is on the right thing...
Laying down your life and not wanting to save it is the only way to live...
Living for others and not for yourself...
To just take that first step even if you don't know if someone will catch you...

It's really quite impossible naturally. It's also pretty insane sometimes when you're at the very end of your strength, to give when you've got nothing left. Like the widow with 2 mites. Like another widow with only 1 last meal left. But the key is not yourself, it's not on the people around you - your family, your friends, your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend - it's on Someone else.

He can make a jar of oil last for years. He can break 5 loaves and feed 5000. He can heal people's emotions just by one touch when it would have taken decades of psychotherapy. He can heal a person with cancer or AIDS just by one touch when it's not possible under a doctor's hand. He can wipe out nations, rain down bread, split a sea or wash someone's feet - anything to show us His justice, and His love for us.

I was scared to death today having to lead worship. It's that one step outside my comfort zone and I was trembling on the inside. I prayed and prayed when I woke up, even when I was doing quiet time and going through the song again. I prayed in the taxi, and cried in the taxi on the way to cellgroup because I was scared.

But going to leader's meeting this week really impacted me. All around me were leaders who just came from work or various commitments they had, Boonkiat just ended work 5 minutes before the meeting which was at 8pm. And they were all so serious to do what was needed, but it's not just doing things out of duty but it's something about them that I realise they've all already made the decision long ago to lay down their lives completely. Not just for any man, or a vision and a cause, but for God to use them so that they can do anything in whatever capacity they have.

For if there is first a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what he does not have. - 2 Corinthians 8:12

So I was reminded in the taxi, that it's not about anything I have or do, but it's the willingness to just be a gateway for God to flow through. Whatever what God wants to do, and whoever He wants to touch, if I'm just willing to not limit myself because of my fear, He would flow through me. So gotta continue like this, focusing on the gain, not the pain. Even if it's the ridiculous pain of not living out of my fear!