Over the years, i've come to realise how important relationships are to my spiritual growth. And even though God is there for us, He also sends His love to us through people around us. But circumstances won't change immediately, and i've come to the point where i have to look at the Jeannette sitting on the floor and tell her sternly to get up and stick closer to God. Make my face like flint, keep my heart pure and give me the steely determination to continue forward.
Like Jingxuan said, i shall conquer this completely in God's time, no matter how many times i shall pass this way again. It's another phase of growing up, to learn how to feed yourself well and not wait to be fed. And sometimes i guess it's just childish tantrums where i don't feel like dying to myself and just want to lie there kicking my legs.
Yet God still keeps talking to me, and like so many other times, i'm caught in those moments where i realise how immature i was in a particular situation where i really thought so hugely of myself for something i'd done, and it was actually because the other party was bigger and gracious to me. And i realise that He does it to encourage me that i'm still on the right track, albeit sometimes i can't take the honest answers about myself when God really tells me.
I shall reap what i sow. I was swimming with Sheila, and she needed me to swim beside her because she wasn't confident yet of not drowning halfway. And we couldn't swim by the wall, so halfway, i was swimming and i forgot, and i wasn't looking out for her. Then i heard her calling to me in between strokes: "Jeannette! Jeannette!" And i remembered, and when she knew that i wouldn't submerge but keep my head above water, she continued swimming ahead of me. That's when God really spoke to my heart, that yes, this is how i need to walk beside my brothers and sisters in church. We may all be at different points in our walk, sometimes in front, sometimes behind. But there's always the mutual assurance that yes, i'm looking out for you, i'll protect you, i won't let you drown, you can go on ahead without fear.
Teach me in Your ways
Let all i think and say please you
Let me walk forever by Your side
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