Every person's path is their own to walk. Sometimes we stop to admire someone else's glory and wish we could walk the same way. Sometimes we fall and we stay, hoping for someone to pick us up. Friends may come along and encourage you or give you well-meaning advice, but it is our own choices and decisions that chart our own destinies.

We all have our own weaknesses and battles to fight. For me, it's always been constant from young. I do not suffer from clinical depression, but on a personality scale, I would say that I was bordering on neuroticism. (There you go, my first self-diagnosis!) Like the bible says, if your eyes are good, your whole body is filled with light. But if your eyes are bad, how great is that darkness in you! It's the habit of thought that wires your entire thinking pattern.

There are days when it's hard to get out of bed, and sleepless nights when you just feel emotional pain. Waves of hopelessness, despair, fear and loneliness will keep overwhelming you and by morning, you're left exhausted by the onslaught. Everything's colored grey, even acts of love and beautiful things, your heart is unable to receive. The worst thing is that sometimes it's triggered by something big, but most times, there isn't any reason for it at all. Your mind sees the success in your grades, your family's warmth, the welcome from your friends but inside, everything's still so dark. Does this describe you?

I still remember how my ex-cgl once encouraged me, to just put on a CD and praise God. No matter how long it takes, she said, 20 mins, 40 min, 1 hour; force yourself to sing and praise God! She shared how she sang for over 1 hour before she finally broke through. Inspired, I went home and locked the door, sat on my mattress, put on a tape (at the time) and tried. Very hard. I remember hugging my bolster and crying because my mouth just refused to open, and when I finally did, it was through gritted teeth. I persevered for all of 30 minutes.

I think the point is, that everyone has their struggles. Some with perpetual anxiety over their studies. Some struggle with the fear of being unloved. Remaining unattached forever. A dysfunctional family. An unfaithful spouse. Poverty. Pornography. Anger. Unforgiveness. The past.

Job would understand. He went through the death of all his 7 children. Lost his entire fortune. Lost his health. Overnight. What's worse, what he didn't lose were 3 friends who poured salt into his wounds and a bitter wife who made sure he never forgot that God was the one who took everything away. Yet he never sinned against God or allowed bitterness in, by sheer WILLPOWER. Because deep inside him, he knew what was right - that God is still a good God.

How do you enter the Holy of Holies? Your will comes first, then your mind, and then your emotions. Set your will right before God first, pledge your heart to seek after Him all your days and vow never to let your heart grow cold. Don't let your emotions determine whether you feel like praising Him today. Don't let your emotions decide for you whether you should just drink the night away and escape your problems for one more night. Deep inside we all know what we have to do in order to get out of this valley we find ourselves circling around in.

It's a process, one that can take many years. Moses took 40 years tending sheep in the desert before he was prepared to be a deliverer. It took Abraham 25 years of standing in faith continually that Isaac finally came. I think people like Sheila from my AHS days can testify of how far I've come. :] It's been 7 years and it's not the end of the journey yet, but I know that I won't struggle with this all my life because God is my deliverer and He wants me to overflow with joy. I can take joy that whenever I feel alone, there's a helper who has pledged His heart to me long before I was born, who'll give me a nudge and remind me that He's going to be beside me forever. Nothing I do can ever make Him let go of me. So now I can walk with hope, like what Pastor Ming said: When you're going through suffering, it's not because of ppl around you or circumstances or society but know that God's hand is in this to mold you. And knowing that God is watching you, you can rest knowing that you'll not be crushed but you'll come out stronger in the end.

Whatever weakness you have, that's going to be your strength. If you're emotionally weak now, you're going to be strong in your emotions next time. If you're struggling with pornography,you're going to be strong in purity next time. If you're struggling with suicide now, you're going to be an advocate for living strong next time. If you're struggling with fear now, you're going to be strong in courage next time. If your struggling with anger and bitterness now, you're going to be strong in forgiveness and mercy next time.

When you're sinking, don't wait. Cry out and God will catch you - immediately.